For The Love of Money

Our economy is a mess. There is no other way to put it. OK there are other ways to put it, but... I'll just stick with that one. Can you feel it? Can you feel the lusty intensity by which persons in power are slinging blame while desperately grabbing for more money and power?

"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless." Ecclesiastes 5:10 (NIV)

Everyone has there theories about what or who caused the problems we have today. Was it the Republicans or the Demarcates or wall street or the people who can't afford to pay off their loans?

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil..." 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)

There are may people who have been devoured by this evil. You can almost feel the spirit of Antichrist rising up in the mist of the panic and the violence of the bickering amongst our nations leaders. Our beloved nation is so polarized, so divided, that the masses are crying out for peace and safety.

I want to call out to the body of Christ to shake yourself and listen. Not to me or anyone else with a theory, but listen to what God is saying. Be vigilant, stand your watch and don't get caught up in the dizzying momentum of the panic of our society. Draw close to God and hear what He would say.

This Is My Prayer!

Brandon Heath - Give Me Your Eyes from Brandon Heath on Vimeo.

Unseen People

Today I walked among the unseen. As part of this season in my life, I have to go to University Medical Center (UMC) at least once a month. I have joined the ranks of the medically indigent of Fresno county. The blessing is that I receive "free" medical care. The but the price I pay along with the rest of the multitude is hours of standing inline, monthly paper work and over crowded waiting rooms to see overworked, and over whelmed doctors and nurses. Today I needed to renew my MISP (Medically Indigent Services Program), get some blood drawn and pick up my meds. But all that is for a different blog. The adventure I wish to relate today was the journey to UMC and back.

As I walked to the bus stop, a good friend drove by. My first reaction was to hide. I wanted to avoid the discussion about why I choose to walk to the buss stop rather that try to beg a ride from someone. But as this person passed slowly (they were turning) not even two feet from me without noticing me, the self-centered part of me quickly became hurt almost offended that I had remained unseen.

Everyone wants to be seen, even when they pretend they don't. Every person has a desire to fill a space in the fabric of time. We want to make difference or leave a mark or just know that someone sees us and cares.

This made me wonder. How may times do we pass people without seeing them. Sitting on a bench, passing us in the hall or sitting at a desk in the same room. Maybe we even talk to them, but we don't really see them. We are so consumed with what has happened, what is happening, what will be happening, or what we need to do that we miss the unseen. During the course of my day, walking from one bus stop to another I was almost run over by a preoccupied driver. I was walking accros a parking lot entrance when a lady drove around the corner and turned into the parking lot. I had to stop and move out of the way as to not get run over. Even as she passed me she did not see me. She was so hyper focused on where she was going that I almost became another statistic. (There has been a rash of pedestrians getting run over in Fresno lately) How may times have we run over the "unseen" with our anger, greed, or indifference?

I chose the term unseen because people aren't invisible. They are there and God sees them. Oh that I could see with God's eyes! Oh that I would put aside the things that consume my time and my needs to be right, or heard, or to be vindicated, because these all come at a steep price to the unseen.

A Day For Fools

We have this day set aside once a year just for fools. Americans are a colorful people. I don't really know the origins of the day, but we dedicate a day to trick, deceive, make a fool of any poor sucker who lets his guard down. I hate being made the fool. It drags me back to the reality that I'm not the genius that I believe myself to be. It's a day that if you are not careful you will get a hefty dose of humility. So happy April fools day from one fool to another.

To Be Or Not To Be... Human

I feel like crying right now. I haven't let myself indulge in all the therapeutic wonders of a good cry for quit a while. I'm afraid that if I open the flood gates then the dam will burst. And then I'll have to deal with anger, frustration, shame, and a million other obscure feelings. So I decided to blog instead. If this all comes out fractured or stiff, it's because I'm fighting the good fight of faith against too much emotion. (I know, probably a bad idea)

I met with my lawyer on Monday. She wasn’t too sure if we have a chance at my SSI/Disability hearing. That is so jacked. Your lawyer is supposed to say and make you believe that anything is possible. That's like the captain saying ok boys I think maybe we should go this way, but we all might get killed cause the enemy has 10x's more men and a lot better weapons then us, but if we stay here they might get us anyway so I don't believe we can survive this, but we should probably crawl over the hill and see what happens. Yeah right. Where's the “you're going to die some day boys, but you might as well die a worthy death, blaah blahh blahh,” speech.

The problem is, I really don't know how to respond to all of this. I'm flooded with fear, frustration, uncertainty, and all kinds of other emotion. I can feel hopelessness dogging me looking for a foothold and each time I get another bad report or a situation that shakes me, I feel like hopelessness slams itself into me as a desperate effort to grab hold.

So I've been thinking this morning about what God has to say about human struggle and emotion. I think years and years of plastic Christian thinking has distorted the meaning of scriptures related to all of this. Plastic Christian teaching says it is wrong to be angry because the bible says to be angry and sin not. Plastic Christian thinking says it's wrong to be anxious or fearful because the bible say to be not anxious and to fear not. The first one says be angry, but don't sin. And, I don't think be not anxious and fear not were commands as much as encouragements for us when we do experience these real, and valid emotions. I believe God was saying, Hay you there; I know you're scare and anxious. Come over here and talk to Me for a while. Come talk to your daddy, it’s going to be ok, I'm here and I'm not leaving you so don't be scared anymore, trust in me.

It might not look that different, but it's huge because if that's what God meant, then it's ok to have weakness and be human. That's what sends us into His arms.

Bad Day

Have you ever had one of those days where life seems to whack you up side the head, knock you down, then kick you in the gut and spit in your face? Yeah, I know momma and Jesus said that there would be days like these. In the spirit of gross over exaggeration, which I find highly therapeutic, I had one of those days yesterday.

It wasn't anything serious or life threatining, I just got dumped on by one frustrated individual and demeaned by another. The first was just one of those - I was at the wrong place at the wrong time doing my job kind of things, and I guess that person just needed to vent. That will teach me to watch out for signs of personal exhaust. The second was one that I should feel honored about. I was belittled simply for following Christ. I guess I'm not enough of a saint to feel good about that, but I am thankful that Christ is our advocate.

So what's the moral? When you have a bad day, isolate yourself from others, so you don't find yourself dumping on some poor undeserving or, not so undeserving, fellow human being thus continuing the vicious cycle, and crawl up in the arms of our heavenly Father and have a good cry. Then blog about it the next day.

Egg Laying Bunnies and Other Oddities

Have you ever wondered where we got the concept of Easter in America? I'm sure if I spent enough time fishing around in the great world wide web, I could find the answer to almost all my questions. I went to three Easter services this weekend. They were all as different as the people gathered there. It all got me to thinking. Yes, of course my brain tried to once again wrap itself around the great mystries of God. But; I kept coming bact to is my first Easter. No not the one where I was a brand new baby, but the one where I first learned what this Easter stuff was really about.

I was eighteen years old. Easter was so new and awe inspiring. The deception had been rolled away just as a stone over a grave. Do you remember when you first knew what Jesus had done?

Do you remember the first time you heard that increadible story? God came down from heaven and became man. He was born, grew up and delt with very human issues. All human, all God. He even faced the temptation of cheeting. It's subtle, but you can see it in the bible if you really look. See the Temptation in the wilderness, it was a temptation to take the easy way out. He could have turned the rocks into bread, He could have staved His hunger and the hunger of the world! But, to what avail? A generation would know that He is God. They would never starve, but; there would be no cross. He would die, because He was man and the rules say that it is apointed once for man to die. He would die without the cross. In cheating he would gain the world, but loose humanity. He could have cheeted and jumped from the pinacle of the temple. He would have floated to the earth and the religious leaders would know He was the Messiah. Once again, He would gain the world for a generation, but at what cost. No cross, no redemption for mankind. Finally, He could bow down and worship Satan. Satan would give Him the world without a cross. But, He would be limited to doing only what Satan allowed. Jesus would have to serve Satan and there would be no cross. Jesus would die and the hope of humanity with Him.

But He didn't cheat. He gave Himself for us all. A week of passion, an act so increadable. He embraced the cross. He alowed Himself to be bound and beaten. He could have resisted. He loved all the way to the end. He layed aside anger and hatred. He took injustice upon Himself. He took our guilt, our sin, our sickness and disease. The wonder and glory of it all.

He laid it down. He experienced life and death, and then lead the way for humanity to experience resurection.

The greatest miracle of Easter is not egg laying bunnies, but God becoming Man and giving Himself for us all. Life, death, and resurection.

Found

I have found myself in an interesting place. If it were possible to be lost then that is where I am. In reality I am not lost but just at a loss. My eyes have darkened and I can’t see what is around me. I can’t see where to place my feet. Not only have I been striped of sight. But I have been striped of the rags that I held so dear. The garments that covered the nakedness of my health and strength, my independence and self-sufficiency have all been striped from me. In my sight they were ever so beautiful, shinny and strong. But they fell so easily as if they were mere Cray paper shreds. So I stand here in deep darkens. I wish with all my heart to pursue the enemy and recover all, but I can not see even him. And I have been striped of strength and boldness. My legs have been weakened and my lungs can no longer draw breath with the strength it would take to pursue.

The beautiful thing about loosing your sight is that your other senses are sharpened. I can hear the Lords voice whispering to my soul,

“Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.”

I know in a deep place that I am not lost. My nakedness is not covered by the darkness, but by the LORD. In this black place I know that in emptiness, in nakedness, and in weakness, I am possessed, by the greatest prize, the I AM.

This is a hard place. This is a beautiful place.

LOST

A few days ago I found myself sitting outside enjoying a beautiful Fresno evening reading a book titled LOST. It's a book about evangelism. I didn't really get to far into the book. I kept thinking about the word LOST.
LOST - in Christianeze it is a term assinged to a person who does not know God and who has not "given" his or her life to the LORD - a person without God. On a more secular level, LOST - not knowing where you are. Not knowing where to go or how to get there. Not in a familiar or safe place and unable to determine how to reach a safe or familiar place.

Everyone feels lost from time to time. Yes, even us high and mighty Christians feel lost. We get disoriented. We loose direction and in those times we often struggle to hear God's voice. As I pondered this it occurred to me that Christians can feel lost but they can never truly be lost no matter how disoriented we get. You see to be LOST we have to be devoid of a safe place. Jesus said that He would never leave us or forsake us. As long as at least one person in the group knows where they are or where they are going, then the group is not lost. So If you are a Christian and you feel lost. Stop. Stop and quiet yourself and wait until God whispers or yells the sweet beautiful words that will clear the fog and bring the understanding that will guide you to the next place.

"Happy" Birthday!

I did it! I made it to my 34th birthday! Ok so, in reality I didn't do anything, God is the one who has so graciously let me enjoy these years. I guess birthdays are a good excuse for reflection, but I have to confess that the only thing going through my head right now is this storm of medical test and the prospect of surgery. I'm not scared of dying. Rather, of pain and of not being the woman of God that I should be. Will I trust in God? Will I be consumed with emotions? The answer to both of those is probably yes.

Well for today, Thank you LORD for another birthday.

Picture Perfect, well almost

I just wanted to try something new. Isn't it beautiful!

Of Death and Dreams

When we went to Kings Canyon a few weeks ago, I bought a tree. Ok, well I bought a seed for a tree, a really big tree. The seed is incredibly small. As I held it in my hand I thought of what it will be some day. The base of the trunk could grow as big as 35 or 40 feet in diameter. It will be thick at the base but will quickly slim to a few twigs at the top. And the top can reach upwards to 400 feet. The branches would twist in the most hauntingly beautiful way and tuffs of needles spring out of the twigs that will shoot off of the great branches. The bark of the tree can grow as thick as a foot and a half creating a barrier against fire and pestilence. As the tree started to take shape in my mind I thought of another seed, one that I didn't buy. God gives all his children seeds, you know? I thought about how He placed a seed in my hand one day. I remember the moment so clearly. I was reading a book on evangelism and I can across a story about a couple who were urban missionaries and how they planted a church. Then it happened. The seed of a dream called church planting was placed in my hand. I looked at it with awe and excitement. And then like with any seed I stared at it long enough to envision what it will look like when it's a full blown ministry, a dream come true, a tree. It was large and strong. In my mind, I groomed it and trimmed it until what I had formed was the most beautiful tree you have ever seen. I could see the fruit, it was full, sweet, and juicy. Then I looked around and saw crowds of others admiring my tree, they were in awe of my ministry. I of course told them (in false humility) that I couldn't have done it without God. Then I heard God say, "Stewart. Come here." I walked over to a barren place. He said, "Dig here." So I placed my seed carefully in my pocket and I began to dig. Then He said, "Put the seed in the hole and cover it up." I reluctantly obeyed. I stared at it for a while.

Then days passed with business and more urgent matters. My seed was gone, suspended in darkness the dream faded until I saw nothing but the darkness that surrounded it. My dream died. Things happen, life changes, my body is now broken and hope for that dream has faded.

Then it happened. I was looking at the tiny stem that pushed through the soil of my tiny green house, from the seeds that I bought in Kings Canyon. And as I saw this new growth I went back to the place where God had commanded be to bury the seed He gave me. I stared in awe at the small start. It wasn’t the great strong ministry that I had imagined. I couldn’t even make out the full shape or imagine how this will ever survive in the environment it was planted.

But, I realized that it is not my tree, its God’s. I’m only a steward. I can’t make it grow; I don’t have the wisdom to. I can’t see how this will ever be. But that’s ok, God knows the future and He knows how to get there. Death and dreams are in His hands, they are His tools.

From the depths of my heart

Since my first few moths of being a Christian, I have always been drawn to an urban setting. I love the city. I love to walk down a street and breathe in the atmosphere; to hear God’s heartbeat in the rhythm of the city. I love to be a part of the lives of broken people. I understand suffering; of looking at the impossible and living in the shadow of what can’t be done and surviving. I want to lead the broken and the utterly desolate to God. I have faced the questionings. The Whys?, the What ifs?, and the Where were you Gods?, that can suffocate the deepest faith. I know that when I am striped of all that I grasp at to cover my nakedness, all I have left is God; His covering. His loving kindness is truly greater than life. This is what I have to carry into the city. This is what I bring. Truly, “silver and gold I have none,” and if I did it could not help the suffering, but whatsoever I have, I give it to Fresno. All that I poses, all that posses me is God. I stand in the wilderness of the city and I breath the only words that my heart knows, “Repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand.”

Fire on the Mountian

Have you ever had a wierd almost prophetic experiance? Well, last weekend I went on a leadership retreat and had such an experiance. We left the valley and went back deep into Kings Canyon. About 5 or 6 miles back into the canyon we spotted a pillar of smoke rising on the horizion. We made a few jokes here and there as we drove deeper into the canyon. But, 20 miles back we realized that we were actually camping next to a forest fire. Night after night we would discuss the things of God and litterly watch the side of the canyon ridge burn. It made me wonder what the children of Israel saw at the base of the mountian that was on fire by God. The whole weekend I thought about holiness and being set apart for God.

It's intresting that before this school year is out we will be participating in the 100 year annerversity of the Azusa Street revival. So maybe this is a year (2005-2006 academic year)of fire.

The Path of Greater Resistance

Every day we have choices to make. That is one sure thing about life. The first choice in the morning when you wake up is, "should I get out of bed or sleep for a few more minutes."

Some choices are black and white. You know the ones. The consequences of those choices are clear. It's good or bad, right or wrong, cut and dry. But then there are those other choices, the ones that are not so simple. If you choose one over the other it might just be a choice between good and good, or bad and bad, or maybe you can't even ascribe good or bad to the consequences.

The simple solution is just to pick the path of least resistance. It's easier to hit the snooze then drag you weary bottom out of bed. But, of course simple is not always best. Easy is not always worth more. Sometimes you just have to grit you teeth, dig in and choose the path of greater resistance.

Yesterday afternoon I was resting. I was weary physically and emotionally. Then I was faced with a decision. It was forced upon me as a result of temptation that often comes to a person when they are weary. The decision or the temptation was simply put "quit." Oh, but it came in a more elaborate form. I mean I have invested far too much of myself to jump at the first bold, and blatant thought of just quitting. But this is how it looked yesterday. I'm tired, I'm scared because I have some potentially life threatening health problems, and my plans for dealing with these problems aren't getting me anywhere. I have big dreams for life and ministry but they are way out of my reach right now because of my health issues. So, these thoughts are swarming through my exhausted mind and then I conveniently remember my father's offer. When I first started really struggling with my health, my dad invited me to just come home and live with him and mom. They would take care of me. I thought of the joy it would be to be home again, to let myself be a child and let my parents care for me.

Here in lies the problem. The decision to go home would make things good for a while, but I would have to start certain process over in regards to getting medical help. And then there are the hopes and dreams of my life and ministry out here. If I went home I would be walking away from what God is doing now. I would be walking away from the character that God is building in me and the promises that He has given me about now and about ministry here.

So maybe I have found myself relating to Esau in that I am tired and hungry from hunting. I have been hunting down my dreams and passions. But, now I am faced with a decision do I give up my birth right for a bowl of soup or to hold on to what I know has been promised. I'm not saying that going home will never be an option, or that it is wrong to choose that. But now is not that time. Not yet. Right now the decision is about holding on to what God is saying to me or letting go and quitting.

So choose wisely and don't let your guard down. For me, now is the time to press on. It's not quite time for me to leave the back side of a desert.

Rambelings of a Preacher Woman

Tonight while I was driving home from a Chinese restaurant I had this brilliant idea. I was thinking about life, specifically mine. I'm a 30 something female pastor. Sometimes the female thing is a problem, sometimes the pastor thing is a problem, and sometimes both are when it comes to relating with people. So back to my brilliant idea, yesterday I created a blog for my family (mom, Dad, Brother and his family, and sister). So, I thought why not create a separate one where I can just ramble about what God is doing in my life or about what it's like being a 30 something female preacher, or simply put, being me.

So here it is. The adventure begins. Will anyone read this? Will there be any comments? Will I bore to death anyone who stumbles upon this site?

We shall see.

By the way, the Chinese food was great