OK, so it's been a few months since I've written anything. The 3 of you who are following me aren't really following me because I haven't been going anywhere. That makes me stuck. Hopefully that doesn't make you stuck. I'm still jobless and will soon be homeless, but here is the rub. . .Will I believe God? or will I let myself stay here in this sticky mire? So today I let God shake me. The struggle boils down to this:
"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer." (Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel)
I love that quote. I love it so much I need to be careful not to embrace it as an excuse to fail, but to remember that the struggle within me is, well, human. Grace is God's answer to the problem. He could fix it, but then we would not be human and he loves human. Funny tho, that it is the human frailty of me that I hate the most, but God seems to love that about us. He hates the sin, because it destroys us. But, I think maybe it's watching us see who we are and fight to be better that he loves. But what do I know, after all I am not God.
So back to being stuck. In the 2001-2002 school year I endured incredible trials. America endured incredible trial on 9-11 with the attack on the World Trade Center. Then a month later i was fighting for my life. I faced death, but as hard as that was this seems harder. Then I knew that God was carrying me and that if I didn't make it through heart surgery it would be OK because I was in God's arms then and I would still be in His arms, just in heaven. Then after that at Christmas time an dear friend of mine almost died. Yet the whole time I continued with my college studies, and my credentialing and my life was full. full of struggle yes, and pain, but full of hope and faith and love. Full of God.
Now my struggles are different and I am not facing them as well. It is not life, but livelihood. And I kick out against the press, but then I sit in despair also. So I let God shake me, because once again I find myself stuck in a God sized mess. And I refuse to stay here...I just can't get myself out. So I hang onto grace.
A side note: In 2001 I was physically surrounded by a strong community of God who carried the fight and the burden with me. Today that has changed. I do have a strong community of God, but I am separated by distance and time spent together, I know that makes a big difference because left to our own strength and wisdom, us humans get stuck easily.
