To Be Or Not To Be... Human

I feel like crying right now. I haven't let myself indulge in all the therapeutic wonders of a good cry for quit a while. I'm afraid that if I open the flood gates then the dam will burst. And then I'll have to deal with anger, frustration, shame, and a million other obscure feelings. So I decided to blog instead. If this all comes out fractured or stiff, it's because I'm fighting the good fight of faith against too much emotion. (I know, probably a bad idea)

I met with my lawyer on Monday. She wasn’t too sure if we have a chance at my SSI/Disability hearing. That is so jacked. Your lawyer is supposed to say and make you believe that anything is possible. That's like the captain saying ok boys I think maybe we should go this way, but we all might get killed cause the enemy has 10x's more men and a lot better weapons then us, but if we stay here they might get us anyway so I don't believe we can survive this, but we should probably crawl over the hill and see what happens. Yeah right. Where's the “you're going to die some day boys, but you might as well die a worthy death, blaah blahh blahh,” speech.

The problem is, I really don't know how to respond to all of this. I'm flooded with fear, frustration, uncertainty, and all kinds of other emotion. I can feel hopelessness dogging me looking for a foothold and each time I get another bad report or a situation that shakes me, I feel like hopelessness slams itself into me as a desperate effort to grab hold.

So I've been thinking this morning about what God has to say about human struggle and emotion. I think years and years of plastic Christian thinking has distorted the meaning of scriptures related to all of this. Plastic Christian teaching says it is wrong to be angry because the bible says to be angry and sin not. Plastic Christian thinking says it's wrong to be anxious or fearful because the bible say to be not anxious and to fear not. The first one says be angry, but don't sin. And, I don't think be not anxious and fear not were commands as much as encouragements for us when we do experience these real, and valid emotions. I believe God was saying, Hay you there; I know you're scare and anxious. Come over here and talk to Me for a while. Come talk to your daddy, it’s going to be ok, I'm here and I'm not leaving you so don't be scared anymore, trust in me.

It might not look that different, but it's huge because if that's what God meant, then it's ok to have weakness and be human. That's what sends us into His arms.