To Be Or Not To Be... Human

I feel like crying right now. I haven't let myself indulge in all the therapeutic wonders of a good cry for quit a while. I'm afraid that if I open the flood gates then the dam will burst. And then I'll have to deal with anger, frustration, shame, and a million other obscure feelings. So I decided to blog instead. If this all comes out fractured or stiff, it's because I'm fighting the good fight of faith against too much emotion. (I know, probably a bad idea)

I met with my lawyer on Monday. She wasn’t too sure if we have a chance at my SSI/Disability hearing. That is so jacked. Your lawyer is supposed to say and make you believe that anything is possible. That's like the captain saying ok boys I think maybe we should go this way, but we all might get killed cause the enemy has 10x's more men and a lot better weapons then us, but if we stay here they might get us anyway so I don't believe we can survive this, but we should probably crawl over the hill and see what happens. Yeah right. Where's the “you're going to die some day boys, but you might as well die a worthy death, blaah blahh blahh,” speech.

The problem is, I really don't know how to respond to all of this. I'm flooded with fear, frustration, uncertainty, and all kinds of other emotion. I can feel hopelessness dogging me looking for a foothold and each time I get another bad report or a situation that shakes me, I feel like hopelessness slams itself into me as a desperate effort to grab hold.

So I've been thinking this morning about what God has to say about human struggle and emotion. I think years and years of plastic Christian thinking has distorted the meaning of scriptures related to all of this. Plastic Christian teaching says it is wrong to be angry because the bible says to be angry and sin not. Plastic Christian thinking says it's wrong to be anxious or fearful because the bible say to be not anxious and to fear not. The first one says be angry, but don't sin. And, I don't think be not anxious and fear not were commands as much as encouragements for us when we do experience these real, and valid emotions. I believe God was saying, Hay you there; I know you're scare and anxious. Come over here and talk to Me for a while. Come talk to your daddy, it’s going to be ok, I'm here and I'm not leaving you so don't be scared anymore, trust in me.

It might not look that different, but it's huge because if that's what God meant, then it's ok to have weakness and be human. That's what sends us into His arms.

Bad Day

Have you ever had one of those days where life seems to whack you up side the head, knock you down, then kick you in the gut and spit in your face? Yeah, I know momma and Jesus said that there would be days like these. In the spirit of gross over exaggeration, which I find highly therapeutic, I had one of those days yesterday.

It wasn't anything serious or life threatining, I just got dumped on by one frustrated individual and demeaned by another. The first was just one of those - I was at the wrong place at the wrong time doing my job kind of things, and I guess that person just needed to vent. That will teach me to watch out for signs of personal exhaust. The second was one that I should feel honored about. I was belittled simply for following Christ. I guess I'm not enough of a saint to feel good about that, but I am thankful that Christ is our advocate.

So what's the moral? When you have a bad day, isolate yourself from others, so you don't find yourself dumping on some poor undeserving or, not so undeserving, fellow human being thus continuing the vicious cycle, and crawl up in the arms of our heavenly Father and have a good cry. Then blog about it the next day.

Egg Laying Bunnies and Other Oddities

Have you ever wondered where we got the concept of Easter in America? I'm sure if I spent enough time fishing around in the great world wide web, I could find the answer to almost all my questions. I went to three Easter services this weekend. They were all as different as the people gathered there. It all got me to thinking. Yes, of course my brain tried to once again wrap itself around the great mystries of God. But; I kept coming bact to is my first Easter. No not the one where I was a brand new baby, but the one where I first learned what this Easter stuff was really about.

I was eighteen years old. Easter was so new and awe inspiring. The deception had been rolled away just as a stone over a grave. Do you remember when you first knew what Jesus had done?

Do you remember the first time you heard that increadible story? God came down from heaven and became man. He was born, grew up and delt with very human issues. All human, all God. He even faced the temptation of cheeting. It's subtle, but you can see it in the bible if you really look. See the Temptation in the wilderness, it was a temptation to take the easy way out. He could have turned the rocks into bread, He could have staved His hunger and the hunger of the world! But, to what avail? A generation would know that He is God. They would never starve, but; there would be no cross. He would die, because He was man and the rules say that it is apointed once for man to die. He would die without the cross. In cheating he would gain the world, but loose humanity. He could have cheeted and jumped from the pinacle of the temple. He would have floated to the earth and the religious leaders would know He was the Messiah. Once again, He would gain the world for a generation, but at what cost. No cross, no redemption for mankind. Finally, He could bow down and worship Satan. Satan would give Him the world without a cross. But, He would be limited to doing only what Satan allowed. Jesus would have to serve Satan and there would be no cross. Jesus would die and the hope of humanity with Him.

But He didn't cheat. He gave Himself for us all. A week of passion, an act so increadable. He embraced the cross. He alowed Himself to be bound and beaten. He could have resisted. He loved all the way to the end. He layed aside anger and hatred. He took injustice upon Himself. He took our guilt, our sin, our sickness and disease. The wonder and glory of it all.

He laid it down. He experienced life and death, and then lead the way for humanity to experience resurection.

The greatest miracle of Easter is not egg laying bunnies, but God becoming Man and giving Himself for us all. Life, death, and resurection.