Of Death and Dreams

When we went to Kings Canyon a few weeks ago, I bought a tree. Ok, well I bought a seed for a tree, a really big tree. The seed is incredibly small. As I held it in my hand I thought of what it will be some day. The base of the trunk could grow as big as 35 or 40 feet in diameter. It will be thick at the base but will quickly slim to a few twigs at the top. And the top can reach upwards to 400 feet. The branches would twist in the most hauntingly beautiful way and tuffs of needles spring out of the twigs that will shoot off of the great branches. The bark of the tree can grow as thick as a foot and a half creating a barrier against fire and pestilence. As the tree started to take shape in my mind I thought of another seed, one that I didn't buy. God gives all his children seeds, you know? I thought about how He placed a seed in my hand one day. I remember the moment so clearly. I was reading a book on evangelism and I can across a story about a couple who were urban missionaries and how they planted a church. Then it happened. The seed of a dream called church planting was placed in my hand. I looked at it with awe and excitement. And then like with any seed I stared at it long enough to envision what it will look like when it's a full blown ministry, a dream come true, a tree. It was large and strong. In my mind, I groomed it and trimmed it until what I had formed was the most beautiful tree you have ever seen. I could see the fruit, it was full, sweet, and juicy. Then I looked around and saw crowds of others admiring my tree, they were in awe of my ministry. I of course told them (in false humility) that I couldn't have done it without God. Then I heard God say, "Stewart. Come here." I walked over to a barren place. He said, "Dig here." So I placed my seed carefully in my pocket and I began to dig. Then He said, "Put the seed in the hole and cover it up." I reluctantly obeyed. I stared at it for a while.

Then days passed with business and more urgent matters. My seed was gone, suspended in darkness the dream faded until I saw nothing but the darkness that surrounded it. My dream died. Things happen, life changes, my body is now broken and hope for that dream has faded.

Then it happened. I was looking at the tiny stem that pushed through the soil of my tiny green house, from the seeds that I bought in Kings Canyon. And as I saw this new growth I went back to the place where God had commanded be to bury the seed He gave me. I stared in awe at the small start. It wasn’t the great strong ministry that I had imagined. I couldn’t even make out the full shape or imagine how this will ever survive in the environment it was planted.

But, I realized that it is not my tree, its God’s. I’m only a steward. I can’t make it grow; I don’t have the wisdom to. I can’t see how this will ever be. But that’s ok, God knows the future and He knows how to get there. Death and dreams are in His hands, they are His tools.

From the depths of my heart

Since my first few moths of being a Christian, I have always been drawn to an urban setting. I love the city. I love to walk down a street and breathe in the atmosphere; to hear God’s heartbeat in the rhythm of the city. I love to be a part of the lives of broken people. I understand suffering; of looking at the impossible and living in the shadow of what can’t be done and surviving. I want to lead the broken and the utterly desolate to God. I have faced the questionings. The Whys?, the What ifs?, and the Where were you Gods?, that can suffocate the deepest faith. I know that when I am striped of all that I grasp at to cover my nakedness, all I have left is God; His covering. His loving kindness is truly greater than life. This is what I have to carry into the city. This is what I bring. Truly, “silver and gold I have none,” and if I did it could not help the suffering, but whatsoever I have, I give it to Fresno. All that I poses, all that posses me is God. I stand in the wilderness of the city and I breath the only words that my heart knows, “Repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand.”

Fire on the Mountian

Have you ever had a wierd almost prophetic experiance? Well, last weekend I went on a leadership retreat and had such an experiance. We left the valley and went back deep into Kings Canyon. About 5 or 6 miles back into the canyon we spotted a pillar of smoke rising on the horizion. We made a few jokes here and there as we drove deeper into the canyon. But, 20 miles back we realized that we were actually camping next to a forest fire. Night after night we would discuss the things of God and litterly watch the side of the canyon ridge burn. It made me wonder what the children of Israel saw at the base of the mountian that was on fire by God. The whole weekend I thought about holiness and being set apart for God.

It's intresting that before this school year is out we will be participating in the 100 year annerversity of the Azusa Street revival. So maybe this is a year (2005-2006 academic year)of fire.

The Path of Greater Resistance

Every day we have choices to make. That is one sure thing about life. The first choice in the morning when you wake up is, "should I get out of bed or sleep for a few more minutes."

Some choices are black and white. You know the ones. The consequences of those choices are clear. It's good or bad, right or wrong, cut and dry. But then there are those other choices, the ones that are not so simple. If you choose one over the other it might just be a choice between good and good, or bad and bad, or maybe you can't even ascribe good or bad to the consequences.

The simple solution is just to pick the path of least resistance. It's easier to hit the snooze then drag you weary bottom out of bed. But, of course simple is not always best. Easy is not always worth more. Sometimes you just have to grit you teeth, dig in and choose the path of greater resistance.

Yesterday afternoon I was resting. I was weary physically and emotionally. Then I was faced with a decision. It was forced upon me as a result of temptation that often comes to a person when they are weary. The decision or the temptation was simply put "quit." Oh, but it came in a more elaborate form. I mean I have invested far too much of myself to jump at the first bold, and blatant thought of just quitting. But this is how it looked yesterday. I'm tired, I'm scared because I have some potentially life threatening health problems, and my plans for dealing with these problems aren't getting me anywhere. I have big dreams for life and ministry but they are way out of my reach right now because of my health issues. So, these thoughts are swarming through my exhausted mind and then I conveniently remember my father's offer. When I first started really struggling with my health, my dad invited me to just come home and live with him and mom. They would take care of me. I thought of the joy it would be to be home again, to let myself be a child and let my parents care for me.

Here in lies the problem. The decision to go home would make things good for a while, but I would have to start certain process over in regards to getting medical help. And then there are the hopes and dreams of my life and ministry out here. If I went home I would be walking away from what God is doing now. I would be walking away from the character that God is building in me and the promises that He has given me about now and about ministry here.

So maybe I have found myself relating to Esau in that I am tired and hungry from hunting. I have been hunting down my dreams and passions. But, now I am faced with a decision do I give up my birth right for a bowl of soup or to hold on to what I know has been promised. I'm not saying that going home will never be an option, or that it is wrong to choose that. But now is not that time. Not yet. Right now the decision is about holding on to what God is saying to me or letting go and quitting.

So choose wisely and don't let your guard down. For me, now is the time to press on. It's not quite time for me to leave the back side of a desert.

Rambelings of a Preacher Woman

Tonight while I was driving home from a Chinese restaurant I had this brilliant idea. I was thinking about life, specifically mine. I'm a 30 something female pastor. Sometimes the female thing is a problem, sometimes the pastor thing is a problem, and sometimes both are when it comes to relating with people. So back to my brilliant idea, yesterday I created a blog for my family (mom, Dad, Brother and his family, and sister). So, I thought why not create a separate one where I can just ramble about what God is doing in my life or about what it's like being a 30 something female preacher, or simply put, being me.

So here it is. The adventure begins. Will anyone read this? Will there be any comments? Will I bore to death anyone who stumbles upon this site?

We shall see.

By the way, the Chinese food was great